So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
