I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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