My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
