i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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