life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Randomize
