atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
