Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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