She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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