I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
