I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
