My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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