she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
