bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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