The maid of honor just puked.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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