Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
