All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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