The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
