The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
