He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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