So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
