I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
