I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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