pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
