The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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