wanna go halves on a baby?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
