my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
