just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
