I want you more than these girls want KFC
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
