I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
