Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
