I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
