By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
