I hate your face
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
