apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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