Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
