Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I smell stomach acid.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
