Do you still have your period?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
