Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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