I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
