I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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