once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
