just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
