she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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