i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize