I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
