my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
