Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
