this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
