my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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