he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
