I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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