I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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