So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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