Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
