I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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