What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
