her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
