nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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