She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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