: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
