I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
two words...techno handjob
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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