my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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