he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
