They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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