Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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