I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
