I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
