Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
